I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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