I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
