you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
