go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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