I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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