Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
