I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
