Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
