Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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