my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
