i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
