I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
