So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
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