Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
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