Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
i've created a new STD.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
