If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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