I skipped work to stalk him.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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