You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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