Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
