i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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