lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
