your parents love me but you hate me
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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