I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
