We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
