it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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