Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
