u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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