Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
