This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
