people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
