Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
