Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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