So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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