Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
This house was built for laser tag.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
