I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
