You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
