Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
