it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
