He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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