So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
