Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
