I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
