Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
