we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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