I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
