I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
