Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
