I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
farters have to be the big spoon...
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
