That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
No subtext here. People are naked.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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