You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
