I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
