I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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