I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
