my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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