Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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