omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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