dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
