We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Who died my cat blue again?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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