i already hear my dad disowning me
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
