Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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